a cHange of heart

A change of heart…that was what God has done to me after the storm…I found a new family…new friends…and new vision for my ministry…October 2008…we both started from scratch…attending pre-encounter lessons…everything was new…I met my discipler nanay mimi gaum…she was there for me through out the process of healing…I joined the encounter…November 14-16, 2008…it was a three-day event…it was like a retreat with a different approach that totally blew me away…it was like totally getting out from the masks of pretentions and removing the chains of inhibitions…it was just totally surrendering yourself…your life to God…I understood more of what is my purpose of being here on earth…the reason of my existence…all the things I felt for the past eighteen years of my life…rejection…insecurities…hatred…pain…uncertainties…being judged…all of it was like a thorn picked out from my heart…and my heart was starting to be healed…I felt freedom…
I came out as a person who was now sure of her identity in Christ…that even if I am rejected by the world there is always one person who accepts me even in my flaws…who would be there for me always…it was not easy though to be in the process…persecutions are there…rejections from relatives...but one thing that gives me the urge to never give up on my new found faith is the Love He, Jesus Christ has for me…servant of Him(serving Him) is one Job description that I am not going to be ashamed of…but it is a privilege to be chosen by Him…one favorite verse from the Bible…that reminds me of my servant hood…is 2 Samuel 24:24..it says “I will not offer anything that will cost me nothing”…serving the Lord means dying to oneself…it will cost you…even your whole life…
Right now I finished the PEPSOL process…but I am still in the process of the real process…character formation…I am like a clay…being molded into the person that God wants me to be…right now…building my twelve…it may not be in an instant…little by little…it may be in a process…but one things for sure…I’m getting there…I will not stop…I will not surrender…I will soar more higher…because i.DARE… 

h3art beat

The month of June 2008 has come… It was an ordinary Sunday service…I was leading the praise and w0rship that morning…there was th0se wh0 attended as first timers… I noticed this guy in black…he was looking at me…it was funny though because when our eyes met... I saw bright shining eyes…but I just ignored it…after the praise and worship…I had been introduced to the first timers because I was the head of the ministry…I just smile my usual bright smile and casually shook his hands…one of them was Ephraim Autencio…he got all the numbers of the ministry heads including mine..Week passed by…

The youth ministry was holding a youth gathering…so I browsed in our list of first timer’s records …as I run through ephraim’s record… I had this strange feeling though that urged me to get His number and invite Him to come to the said event…He said he was happy to hear from me because he unfortunately lost my number on the day he asked for it…he also said he would love to come and he asked for my e-mail address so that he could add me to his friendster account..Being friendly, I gave it to him casually but I was a bit of confused why he was eager to have it…I guess my intuitions are just being imaginative…

He attended the gathering although he was a bit late…ha-ha…after attending services…He was asked by the band members if he wanted to join the band ministry…He said he would think about it…weeks again passed by…

After one Sunday service…He asked me if I could eat lunch with Him…I said yes impulsively…err, I was not thinking or was I just that hungry??…guess my mind was a bit cloudy…We ate at the mandarin restaurant…He would ask me things and I would just timidly answer…we were both shy to eat in front of each other..As we went down using the escalator…I was shocked when he confessed to me that he likes me…I just said thanks because at the back of my mind I was thinking things are just too fast…we have just known each other for weeks…and then he said he liked me???...As if reading my mind he said that I know how I felt…that things are to fast but he was just being honest…I didn’t took it seriously…

July…He said that he loves me… I don’t know what to say…instead I laugh it out…I was thinking he was just playing around…and it was so impossible because we met only a couple of weeks…but on the 15^th of the month I was cornered when we watched the movie harry potter…He asked if he could court me…I was not again thinking and impulsively said “ok lang…ikaw bahala”…just to change the subject…he was already a member of the band ministry…so we could see each other every practice and Sunday services…what was distracting though that I would caught him staring at me through out every practice…hmmm…fortunately I had to go to manila to attend the International Missions Convention…It was a trip by faith…

We had an upcoming mini concert for the youth ministry on September…so we had to practice hard…But feeling so guilty of the courtship happening…at the fifth day of the month…one day before the event…I told Him to stop…

I was teary eyed because I realized that I was already falling for Him…but I have to stop it because of the rules…but that didn’t stop Him…He continues to court me…October 31,2007 we had a meeting at the church..He was the first one to come and I was the second one…while waiting for our church mates…he opened up about His life and asked me the question if I would allow Him to be a part of my life…I said yes unofficially…

November 17, 2007 while attending a birthday celebration of our church mate…he found a way to fetch me home…officially we are in a relationship…but we chose to keep it a secret from the church…because of the rules…except from our family...we kept it for eight months…but it wasn’t that easy through the months that passed by…all the gossips was just unbearable… month of July 2008 while attending our pastor’s ordination…a leader intentionally touch my cellphone without my consent and sorted my inboxes even those messages that was kept secret…she found out about our relationship and through out the event she was teasing me…calling me with the name that was our(me and my boyfriend) endearment…a co-church mate confirmed my suspicions and told me that she touched my cellphone…a week passed by and after the practice of with the band ministry that day…our pastor told me that she wants to talk with me…getting a little nervous of the upcoming confrontation…I was asked by the pastor to tell the truth about the real score between me and ephraim…I confessed everything… I had to undergo disciplinary action…I was told to stop leading the praise and worship every Thursday and Sunday…it was very hard for me…because I love my ministry…I love singing for the Lord…but I have to face the consequences of my actions…rumors keep flooding in…I could feel the intensity of the people who are so judgmental…bearing everything was so hard…and the most painful thing of the situation was I was backstabbed by my own best friend…telling rumors…I had sleepless nights for months…the feeling of rejection was so painful…because those people was like my second family…I had only two choices to make…broke up with him and continue to be in the ministry working with people who are hypocrites…or leave everything…transfer to different church and start from scratch…He assured me that everything is gonna’ be alright…I had bear it for another two months until we finally we both decided to transfer…I was in great pain…but I know that the storm will just end… it was a start of God changing my heart… J